Working with Sadness & Loss

When it comes to feeling sad, for me the wisdom taught by the Buddhas doesn’t negate the sadness but simply explains it. Explains its nature. And that nature is love, joy, and kindness. Because I love, that is why I am sad. Because I have joy and a life filled with joy, that’s why I will miss them. This doesn’t negate the sadness or crying, but it gives it a context, that of arising in love and out of love and is non separate from love. And in holding my sadness in that way, it makes it more real. It makes it more whole and genuine.

My son has a phrase called “happy sad.” He uses it when he is happy and also sad. I find this to be a very wise phrase. Often I am tempted to think that sadness replaces happiness. And that happiness replaces sadness. As if there is a slot in my heart that can only hold one emotion at a time. But the heart is not like that. In the vast, open, luminous, space of the heart there is room for all numbers of emotions. There is room for more than one to arise at a time. In the luminous space of the heart, happiness can shine and at the same time, sadness can be present too. And quite often it is because of the basis of love and happiness that sadness even arises. Sadness can arise because the heart loves. This doesn’t negate the love. This doesn’t negate the sadness.

When we are saddened at the loss of a loved one, it is because we love that we feel the sadness of loss. Living a life of love and happiness does not prevent sadness and loss. A life of love and happiness is part of the causes and conditions for sadness and loss. And when we realize that, and touch that deeper love, we connect with the source of everything. And when we do that, the sadness or loss doesn’t go away. But instead we connect with the sadness and loss in a different way. From the base. From the heart of love. And when we do this, the felt experience shifts. I cannot put it into words. There is still sadness, and loss. There is still love, and joy. There is space too. Space to hold all of it.

I want to also mention that bodhisattvas cry. Avalokita cried when he saw suffering beings falling into the hell realm. Bodhisattvas are not stoic, nor are they Vulcans. Bodhisattvas cry just like everyone else, and we shouldn’t try to suppress or control our own crying. When we are sad we often cry. And that is okay. In fact, a whole spectrum of bodily actions can unfold when we are sad. My nose gets stuffed, my face swells, my breathing gets short, and my eyes are red and swollen. I feel tight in the chest, my body trembles, and aching wailing arises unexpectedly out the mouth. I can taste the salt on my face. I can feel my body shake. I can see my vision blur with salted tears.

When we say we allow, or leave it be with our sadness or loss this includes allowing all the bodily processes that unfold during sadness to unfold. This includes allowing us to cry. Without shame, judgement, or trying to change it in any way. Avalokita didn’t try to hide his crying. He allowed himself to cry. He opened up to that experience. And through that crying the Buddha Tara came into being. Buddhas can arise through tears. And so my practice is to allow my full experience of sadness to unfold including all the physical aspects of sadness. This is more than just an intellectual exercise. It’s a very palpable and somatic experience of allowing what is to be. This is messy.

Some practices renounce relationships. Some practices apply the antidote to sadness when it arises. Some practices may deconstruct sadness. Others reflect on impermanence. But that’s not my practice. 

In the teachings of tsalung and practice of tummo, we practice in order to experience our own inner warmth of the natural state of mind. Sometimes it’s called the great bliss tigle or sphere. Tigle means energy, or feeling. The inner feelings of all the positive qualities of heart-mind. We practice in such a way to help us discover that wholesome, pure energy within us. One aspect of this pure energy feels like you can hold everything in love and compassion – all the wholesome energies of love and compassion.

In the dzogchen teachings it states that loss when left as it is, releases into the natural state as infinite open awareness of bodhichitta. The life-force of the union of form and emptiness. What we call this isn’t important. That we can recognize and connect with this life-force bodhicitta is the main point.

This practice does not delete the vitality of life when done properly. It doesn’t make the thoughts and words go away. It is the basis of things. If your practice deletes things then you're focusing too far towards emptiness and you've got to come back to the middle which is the base upon which we stand, bodhichitta– the life force of the universe. So that you can simultaneously perceive the infinite openness of emptiness and the sparkle movement dance of luminosity as the same thing. You rest in the bliss of bodhichitta, of the vitality, the clear light. You identify with that. And part of you is the openness in which the clear light arises as part of that openness. And part of you is the sparkle in all the stories. And you don't shove away anything.

We are not trying to get rid of feelings. The feeling should not go away. We strip the story, get the name off of it. Do not focus on it, or ignore it. Just then rest with the naked feeling. Relax and leave it be.