Transforming Criticism into the Path

Though someone may deride and speak bad words

About you in a public gathering,

Looking on him as a spiritual teacher,

Bow to him with respect—

This is the practice of bodhisattvas.

Compassion for the One Who Derides Us

Here someone harms us by deriding us and speaking bad words about us in a public gathering when all our family, friends and everybody whom we want to impress are present. We seek the approval and appreciation of a group of people, but instead someone ruins our chance to receive these by disparaging us in their presence. Try to imagine this scene. How would you feel and act?

Trying to impress people, we put on shows. We’re very clever when we try to impress someone. First we think of what kind of person they would be attracted to. Then we try to become that person or at least to appear like him or her. In other words, we present ourselves as being someone we think they think would be good. Confusing, isn’t it? We display ourselves as attractive; we pretend to be talented, rich, intelligent or artistic. We pretend we’re interested in things we’re not interested in. We pretend we know things that we don’t have a clue about—all because we want somebody to like us, we want him or her to approve of us and praise us, we want them to love us. To get them to say the ego-pleasing words we crave to hear or to do the ego-pleasing actions we want, we go through a big routine trying to become what we think they think we should be.

Even when we go to a Dharma centre, we may try to impress others by boasting, “I’ve done this retreat. I’ve taken this teaching. I know this and have studied that.” We try to impress people with our Dharma knowledge as well. Or maybe we brag about how many lamas have visited our home or ridden in our car. We will use anything, even the Dharma, in an attempt to make ourselves look good and to get people to like or respect us. It’s very sad. This is like using gold to make a toilet.

Here’s the scenario: you are speaking to an audience of distinguished guests and are trying very hard to present a good image so that they will praise you and you will have a good reputation. Then someone you know but haven’t gotten along with so well stands up and starts deriding and speaking bad things about you. He tells your faults and brings up your past history, which you don’t want others to know. You watch the bright, eager faces of those whose attention you’re trying so hard to get, who were looking at you before and singing your praises, now going stiff as they hear this person accuse you of being an insincere charlatan.

Maybe you aren’t really everything he says you are, but surely some of the traits apply. But you don’t want to admit any of them, especially in front of a group of people you’ve been endeavouring to impress, and whose love and adoration you’re trying to win. You would rather die than go through this. And in fact, some people commit suicide when such things happen.

In this terribly embarrassing situation, what does the Bodhisattva Togmay Zangpo recommend doing? Look upon him as a spiritual teacher, and bow to him with respect. Imagine. You put your palms together and say, “Thank you so much for trashing me.” And you mean it. You really mean it. You are not doing some kind of phoney trick to look like a bodhisattva. You are not doing a song and dance trying to impress people what a bodhisattva you are by saying, “Thank you for deriding me,” while you’re thinking, “See what a bodhisattva I am, being so kind and considerate to this idiot here who’s deriding me. I hope these people will see how humble I am and will respect me for it.”

Instead, from your heart, you speak of his good qualities and look upon him as your spiritual teacher. How is he a spiritual teacher? He is teaching you the uselessness of attachment to praise and aversion to blame. He is educating you about the vanity of trying to impress people. He is showing you that you don’t have to impress other people in order to be liked or loved or to win others’ approval.

No matter how much we try to impress them, people are going to think whatever they wish about us. We might as well relax, because we don’t have any control over what opinion they will form of us or when they will change it. If we behave naturally and are just who we are, being content with whatever they wish to think or say about us, others may actually like us. That’s what this person is teaching us. So we have to put our palms together and say, “Thank you for teaching me that I’m okay the way I am. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need to be attached to what people think and say about me. What I need to do is to be happy within myself. If I can be mindful of my motivations and act sincerely, then I’ll be happy with my decisions and I won’t need others to approve of me. I’ll know that ultimately my karma is my responsibility and that what others say and think about me cannot make me take rebirth in a fortunate realm or an unfortunate abode.”

This person who is deriding us in a public gathering is throwing us back on ourselves. Instead of seeking others’ approval in order to feel good about ourselves, he is teaching us that if our motivations are good, it doesn’t matter what other people think. He’s teaching us to be content with who we are and to be virtuous instead of simply looking virtuous. He’s teaching us to be responsible instead of seeking to look responsible.  

~Commentary by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron