Transforming Betrayal into the Path

Even if a person for whom you’ve cared

Like your own child regards you as an enemy,

Cherish him specially, like a mother

Does her child who is stricken by sickness—

This is the practice of bodhisattvas.

Trust Betrayed

This verses speaks of our relationship with someone we have cared for like our child, someone we have invested so much time and energy in, someone we love and trust very much. Instead of feeling grateful and returning our affection, this person turns around and views us as an enemy. Such things happen in families and other close relationships. One person is very kind to another but the other person can’t see his kindness and instead he becomes an enemy and attacks the former.

This painful and unfortunate situation is a result of our own karma created in the past. We did something similar to somebody else in the past. We turned on a person who was kind to us, criticised him, hurt his feelings and betrayed his trust. Now it’s happening to us. The instant reaction of the self-centred mind is, “Poor me, I loved you, I cherished you. I did so much for you. Now look at how you are treating me. What did I do to deserve this?”

Some of us relish indulging in self-pity. As one of the inmates I correspond with said, we throw a Pity Party. We are the star of the show and sing our favourite song again and again, “Poor me. What did I do to deserve this?” Everyone feels sorry for us and we don’t have to do anything except enjoy being miserable. Self-centred mind loves this. But, instead of going into our “Poor me” routine, this verse advises us to press the pause button on that and, instead, to cherish that person specially like a mother does her child who is stricken by sickness.

A mother whose child has a high fever knows that the child is delirious and will say all sorts of things he doesn’t mean. But she doesn’t take it personally because she knows the child is ill. Or let’s say her toddler has a temper tantrum and screams his lungs out. She doesn’t get upset at the child because she knows three-yearolds behave like this at times. She is tolerant and will help the child after he calms down.

If we look upon the person who betrays our trust as a mother or father would regard their child who is stricken with illness, we won’t take what she is saying and doing personally, because we know that she is not in her right mind. What is this person sick with? She suffers from her mental afflictions. Her mind is sick with wrong conceptions, which are causing her to repay kindness with hostility. Compassion is called for here.

Does that mean you sit there and let the other person act in an uncontrolled manner? Once a woman came to see me with her threeyear old son. He suddenly decided it was a good time to have a temper tantrum and started hitting his mum. I held him and said, “It’s not appropriate to hit your mum. You cannot hit your mum. That’s not something you can do.” Eventually, he calmed down.

Thus, it doesn’t mean you let the person be disruptive. In your heart you cherish him like a mother does her sick child. Externally, you show that affection by providing structure and guidance.

~Commentary by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron